The Circle of Life
Saturday, July 24, 2010 at 3:54PM One hot African morning in the grassy savanna, Zimba wakes with a life-changing idea. Hunting, strangling and ripping apart zebras and buffalo isn't nice. It's fricking cruel. "Perhaps, life would be better for everyone if we stuck to a vegan diet. Maybe we could all get along then," the young maneless beast thinks. "After all, plants don't scream or have cognitive thought--no harm in murdering them."
Energized from his epiphany, Zimba approaches his pride, but is intercepted by his carnivorous uncle, Scratch, who notices an intriguing air about Zimba. "Young cub, what excitement is it you bring this way to the pride?" Scrach inquires. "Uncle Scratch," Zimba says, "I've decided that it is wrong to eat other members of the animal kingdom. We must only feast on what grows from the ground."
Scratch is unsettled by this news. He knows that if Zimba starts eating plants, the ecosystem will be ruined. Zimba's gospel must be crushed before the cancerous idea can spread. Knowing the powers of Darwinism, Scratch smiles as he devises a plan to eliminate this threat to his prosperous pride.
"Young Zimba, I think turning to veganism is a brilliant idea! But the pride will never support it unless there is a solid scientific study done to see the effects of this lifestyle. Go out and live your life this way for a month. Then come back and tell us the results."
Easily deceived, Zimba happily agrees to Scratch's proposal, and immediately sets off on his survival journey. Scratch watches Zimba disappear into the bush, thinking about how much stronger the pride will be, having rid itself of the weakest genes.
Hungry, Zimba approaches a group of goats feasting on weeds. After affirming his dietary intentions, the goats welcome Zimba to their weeds. As bad as they are, Zimba chokes down the ragged bitter greens, thinking of the good he is doing for the world.
As time progresses, Zimba develops great stomach pains. In conjunction with his newly formed protein deficiency, and lack of fat-soluble vitamins, Zimba collapses. And loses control of his bowels. Entertained by this sight, the goat leader looms over young Zimba:
"Stupid Zimba. We goats have enzymes that you do not. We can eat this rough foliage and digest it easily, but since you cannot, the weeds never left your stomach. They then fermented, and filled your stomach with gas, which is why you just fertilized our greens. The only way for you to benefit nutritionally from that vegetation is to eat us goats, who are sustained from it normally."
But it's too late for Zimba, as he is too weak from protein deficiency to hunt again. And dies. Vultures salvage what they can of his corpse. Then the maggots get their turn. Finally mother earth takes the rest in and enrichens the soil, and Zimba completes his role in the circle of life.
Reader Comments (8)
Well, that was interesting. I'm going to be curious to see how your vegetarian friends respond to this. I'm not sure, of course, if you still have any vegetarian friends. The gamy moose marrow photo might have been the last straw for them.
We must all learn from this tragic story. And now we know, who to blame when the stench hits the air!
I have tons of awesome vegetarian friends, Chuck! We kid a lot, but there's also a big difference between vegetarians and vegans. Humans have canine teeth for a reason!
Jeff, it would explain a lot about certain parts of CA. I remember parts of Ontario having a unique must...
I knew I liked meat for a reason! I would agree that there is a vast difference between vegetarian and vegan. And thrown into the mix could be proponents of raw vegan diet and the fruitarians (who don't believe in killing the plants for nutrition). We live in the age of diets and cleanses and food allergies. But I completely agree: we have these teeth for a reason. I am going to keep using them for their intended purpose.
Michael, I know you hated me but now you have proved it. I am so disappointed man!
Elk is just so tasty!
Raj, I don't hate you--I love you for being a vegetarian that has a weakness for buffalo wings (even if it took 27 years to discover them). Besides, you are far from vegan because even when you're faithful, you eat cheese omelets at Cracker Barrel. Perhaps I've said too much. Your family doesn't read this, right?
Stash, even if my family read this they will not know it is me. There is a reason i go by Raj :). There are plenty of Indians with that name.