Based on True Stories
Wednesday, July 28, 2010 at 11:00AM After years of pressure, Hugh Jackman finally snaps. "I don't want to do Oklahoma! again," Hugh proclaims. "No more Comic Con, penguin voice overs, or incomprehensible movies with Rachel Weisz." He tells his agent he's done, and isolates himself from the world on a small Polynesian island. Too tired to maintain his perfect Wolverine body, he quits exercising, and rekindles his love for his favorite chip 'n dip combination, spicy pork rinds with melty rocky road ice cream.
After a year of self destruction, Hugh realizes that X-Men Origins: Wolverine didn't bring in as much money as he thought. If only computer graphics weren't mistaken for story structure, things could have been different. Realizing he needs to work, Hugh reaches out to his agent.
"Hugh!" the agent shouts, "Where have you been? X-Men Origins: Wolverine 2 has been announced for a late 2011 release." "Great!" Hugh replies, but his excitement for the new film vanishes when he realizes that he is incapable of being in a movie where his shirt doesn't come off. The last year hasn't been kind to his chiseled chest, and he has to deliver what the fans want for a successful comeback. Hugh tells the agent, "I need two months to become Wolverine-ready. I will return then."
Running low on funds, Hugh decides to embark on a cheap, lean, high protein soy diet to propel him through his two month transformation. Tofu scrambles for breakfast, tofu shakes for lunch, roasted soy beans for snacks, grilled tofu satays for dinner, and a light tofu cheesecake for reward becomes his mantra. Before long, Hugh notices a change in his physique.
Not only does he start losing weight, but body hair as well. His manly beard wavers on his strong jaw. Even his legs and arms become as hairless as an Olympic swimmer ready for gold. Worst of all, the great lion mane on his chest begins to wane--but at least he's dropping that rocky road weight. "If Sean Connery could have hair glued on, then so can I," Hugh tells himself confidently in the mirror. Unfortunately for Hugh, the soy diet still has more plans for People's 2008 Sexiest Man Alive.
A month later, Hugh doesn't find the expected morning boxer tent. As great as it is that he can start his push-up routine earlier than usual, a break in a 41 year routine is a bit disconcerning. Luckily, the comeback is slated to be a PG-13 flick.
The morning of his flight back to the states, Hugh is terrified to see Robert Paulson in the mirror. "Egad--I'm supposed to be in the Wolverine sequel not Fight Club 2!" Hugh screams. What Hugh didn't account for in his diet, is how soy increases the estrogen to testosterone ratio in men. He now has a soy-induced case of gynecomastia, which will require an expensive reduction mammoplasty that he can no longer afford. Without the reduction mammoplasty, Hugh can no longer take his shirt off, which means he can no longer land any movie roles. Only penguin voice overs (maybe).
Only soy has the devastating power to rip all masculinity from someone of Hugh Jackman's caliber. If only Hugh Jackman didn't eat so much soy, we could all see X-Men Origins: Wolverine 2 next year, but somethings just aren't meant to be.
Reader Comments (5)
As a person who has become vehemently anti-soy, thanks one part to my body and one part to a certain lovely future M.D., I laughed hysterically while reading this. Well done, good sir!
Oh, no! Poor Hugh... What have you done to him? This is seriously funny. But also, serious, since I recall our conversation of this being based on a true story. I am glad you are bringing it up. Soy in large amounts can be very dangerous, yet no one, I mean NO ONE seems to talk about it. All we hear about are the health benefits of it. And those are questionable at best. Keep it up! Looking forward to the next saga...
ive been preaching this for years, and no one used to believe me (including the author I think)
I love this
As a meat side note, I thought I knew everything (funny how life straightens you out real quick) when I heard about LARDO. Sounds suspiciously 1960s, like maybe Jello mixed with aspic. However, turns out it's related to pork fat. I'm sure YOU know what it is. And guess where I first heard about it? On Martha Stewart's blog, www.themarthablog.com! On July 30 she was at the James Beard event and one of the chefs served Lardo! Now I want to know where that name came from.